I sit here in this dimly lit living room, this abode which is only mine for a short few months. I am sharing this space, or rather this space is being shared with me. Not courteously, mind you, this is a business arrangement. All the same, I feel as if I encroach.
This home is owned by a middle-aged landlady. It is smack in the middle of a neighborhood in Austin that is some strange admixture of fresh, gentrifying houses, and homes that have a sodden poverty vibe. For me, the poverty is more comfortable in a familiar way, but at this point in my life, I fit more with the gentrifiers.
Always, I feel the differences in myself that elide me falling into any particular camp. I never feel wholly of any group. I may indulge in feeling comradery on occasion, I may align with a group’s will for a fleeting vagary, but I will never consider myself ingroup. Why is that?
I guess part of it is that, aligning wholly with a group feels like a mug’s game. I played that part when I was very young, and it really still catches me how hurtful, or even just strange, my actions would be.
The closest group I feel identified with is the grand court of Queers. I don’t even really ID with the libby ones, they kinda suck, and anyone with half a brain is tired of them. But the rough ones, the frank ones, the ones that Get It. I vibe with them.
Which kind of brings me to my current conundrum. It’s really a dilemma I could spend the rest of my life fence-sitting on, and suffering for. I have my given name, and my chosen name. I can’t convince myself that name usage matters outside of social contexts, but those are one of the biggest factors in anyone’s life. I personally find that my chosen name is received strangely in a lot of cases, offhanded judgmental looks. Or maybe I’m projecting my own insecurity, outwardly, and people are sniffing the vibe, generating looks of confusion, ha! I need to figure out my protocol and stick to it. I need to figure out my name shit.
I have never felt wholly one way or the other, or perhaps it’s better to say that while I have enjoyed being a “boy” or a “man”, I’ve never felt wholly those things, and certainly I’ve always had a bit of a flamboyancy. My mother asked me several times throughout my life if I was gay, and I’ve been asked much the same by others, or even been told secondhand that the idea was passed around. I honestly! Just like femmy folk, so yeah definitely a lil gay.
At this point, being who I am, I think I’d describe my gender as Cis++. I’ve been told I have Bi energy. I’ve been called gay by my gay friends. But this kind of puts me in a spot. And this is also where I think I need other perspectives.
I’m gonna go talk to Anthony.